Unable To Understand

I’m quite different compared to my family, more reasons than just one.

I don’t have the same traits as them. I don’t have their personality. I can’t relate to having a huge temper. We also have different aspirations from what I am doing in life and what I want to do in life.

However, we are all unique. We are all different. So, not being like my family is actually alright in that regard.

They can’t relate to me, though. That’s not their fault. Okay, it may be some, but it is also my fault.

I’m a closed person. I don’t open up to many. In fact, I rarely open up, no matter if you are a friend or family. I’ll admit, I have trouble expressing my true raw emotions. It’s not because I don’t want to. I really do! It’s because, though, that I don’t really know how people will react. I don’t know if people will understand me.

It’s a problem that I had my entire life. I don’t like asking for help. I don’t like telling people my problems, or even describing who I really am. I’ve been trying to overcome that. It’s difficult! It’s extremely difficult and it has been consuming my brain nonstop for quite awhile.

I decided to open up recently. I decided to explain who I might really be and get advice. Well, it didn’t go so well. It didn’t turn out the way I thought it would. Part of it is my fault because I just wasn’t confident, but the other part is the person didn’t understand. Why? Because they don’t fully get me.

I’ll tell you right now, I am complex. I’m so multi-dimensional. There are times where I love it, and there are times I can’t stand it. At the end of the day, it is who I am and I want to embrace it.

Going back to my recent experience – I find this person telling me who they think I might be. They try to tell me what they think I am all about. The problem is, the pet peeve I have is, only I know what I am all about. Only I know who I am.

I get swarmed with people talking about what I like, what I will find, and basically how I should live. I don’t tell anyone how to live their life, so please don’t do that to me! I may tell someone what they should like, but only in a joking manner (if you’re one of my friends, you’ll know what I mean). I know what I like.

Life isn’t easy, but we only get one of them, so we might as well enjoy it. We should live how we want to live. We should like whatever we want to like to make us happy.

As much as I want to embrace, I will probably always be a closed person repressing a lot down in my body. But, if perhaps that changes, I have to remember to be confident and just enjoy who I am because, deep down, I know no one can control what I think about myself other than me.

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