The Understanding

I published an article on here about two months ago titled “Unable To Understand” (you can read it by clicking here). I am not going to explain what I wrote in that post because you can simply read it.

However, I do want to point out the part of that post where I tried to open up recently. As I stated, it didn’t go as I planned and it weighed on my shoulders. In fact, it was something that I constantly thought about even though I was told to “don’t think about it”. I had to though because it was a huge moment in my life, but others didn’t see it like that.

Anyway, that moment made me lose confidence in who I really was. It made me rethink myself. It really made me even more confused (which is surprising to me because I have been so confused for years). When I opened up to this person, and I still remember the whole conversation, the aftermath was far more scary than the whole thing leading up to it. I didn’t know where to go from there. I didn’t know what to do next. It was so blurry and fuzzy.

I had to regain my confidence. I had to fully understand who I really am. As days, weeks, and a month went on by, I figured out who I really am. I can no longer hide it. I can no longer subside it. It is who I am and I have to accept it. There’s no changing it no matter how hard I try (trust me, I tried).

I knew I had to continue on my path. I knew I had to continue opening up to people to increase my confidence and to understand who I really am. So, I opened up to a friend and the whole experience was amazing. The person was accepting. In fact, opening up made us even closer and I love it! I didn’t know what to expect, but great people give you great reactions. The experience certainly helped me move along on the cobblestone path.

I no longer wanted to hide anything. I no longer wanted to keep something a secret. I held it close to my chest for so long, wondering what I should do or whether it was all a pigment of my imagination. It wasn’t just some mirage. It was real.

I wondered when the time was right. I wonder what the reactions would be. It was running through my brain like people in a marathon. All night. All day. I finally decided to tell myself that this certain time at this certain place will be it. I had to speak up. I had to open up to the most important people in my life. Nerves shaking. Bones aching. I needed to speak up. My vocal chords almost went silent, but I spat it out. The rest is history.

While there was some confusion at first, it all settled. It all dissipated. Some knew me even more than I knew myself (almost hard to believe, actually). But, at the end, everyone understood. Everyone was fine with it and life continued. While my experience about two months ago didn’t have any type of outcome I hoped for, sometimes the best is saved. Sometimes the people who really know you, and care about you, understand and accept no matter what.

Life is scary. I don’t care who you are. Life beats you up like a professional boxer. Life throws fastballs at you when you have your eyes closed. You aren’t going to be ready, but you have to prepare yourself. That may take time. It may take days, weeks, months, or even years. There will be a time when you are ready to face life. You may like it. You may not. You’ll only have one though, so if you don’t like it, start liking it. Start enjoying it. Make the most out of it. Be who you want to be. Like what you want to like. It’s easy to be scared and frightened, but it’s easy to get lost in the large sea of people.

Once you understand, others will understand. But, if they don’t… At least you do!

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